Faith

These past few weeks have been rather interesting, well maybe the reader wouldn't think so, but for me it seems I've had at least a years worth of struggles within the span of only a month or so. 
I've had a lot on my mind, "How will my relationship with Claudia work out?  Is this relationship really what God has willed?  What about my future?  Where am I going, what are the goals that I need to set for myself-according to God's will?"  The most important question that I have had to ask myself is, "How is my heart today?"  I was shocked to find out that Jesus Christ was not what I was treasuring.  Has anyone else ever felt this feeling, its indescribable almost, when you serve God, but your heart isn't focused on God, on Jesus Christ, when you say you love Him but maybe you've never even experienced a true relationship- one that's personal, and intimate- with Him?  It is scary.  And then Jesus Himself asks you, "Jacob (or feel free to insert your own name) do you truly love me more than these (he asks you, while pointing the morning's catch)."
Your response I hope is the same as Peter's, "Lord you know that I love you."
Jesus says to Peter, "Then feed my sheep."  Jesus was referring to Peter's call to being a leader in the Church and being a missionary, but it also meant something more.  Peter in many of his first attempts failed  at proving himself faithful to his master, and it culminated at his denying Jesus three times in front of Jesus' accusers.  Peter needed a heart-check, Jesus was asking him "Where is your heart Peter?  Where have you placed your trust, your hope, your faith?  Is it in me? or is it in the temporary things of this world?"
So here I have found my challenge, to place my faith in Jesus, to walk radically by faith; and walking radically by faith is the opposite of walking in rationality, it becomes rational to the person accustomed to living such a life, but I ought to be at the point (I ought to already be there) of throwing my life away for a hope that I can't see, explain, prove, or define but I am certain it's real and I know it is close by.  Otherwise I have no right to call myself a disciple of Christ, a son of God.
Hebrews says that faith is what the ancients were commended for, faith in God the Father.  God Himself asked Abraham to sacrifice his only legitimately-born first-born son: something that neither Abraham in his day, nor you and I today could understand, "how could God ask me to do something that seems against his nature to ask?"
But the better question is, "Will I prove my faith, my devotion, and my love to my God who I know exists and seeks my utmost every day and rewards those who earnestly seek Him?  Even though what He's asking doesn't make sense?"  I know that I will have to lose things, that is just how faith works, like Abraham being called to leave his home and everything he knew, I've been called to let go of everything that I think I need, everything that comforts my heart, and all that I thought I understood, and anything that could have benefited my life.  Will I consider it all loss that I may gain Christ ? (Phil. 3)
My recent devotions have dealt with faith, I guess that is what the Bible talks about is it not?  But the specific topic of faith, and my faith will truly be shown when I act.  To act as a I should, and keep my heart only and always reserved for Jesus Christ Himself, I can only trust His grace, His divine nature and His providence; and believe that when I step out into seeming nothingess, that He will be there to catch me.  Thankfully Jesus does give grace to those who ask and He has made it available to anyone who believes in Him!
Blessings
Jake